Since the last time I posted, I've calmed down quite a bit and have just been getting used to sitting on my arse all day. At home. With no friends. Bored out of my mind.

Seriously, I haven't been idle in the summers since I was 15. I've either had summer school, summer jobs, super long family vacations, or a combination of all three. So this is the first summer in 4 years that I have nothing to do. I hate it so much. I'm literally ready to shoot myself from boredom.

The weather has been really weird in E-town. Usually it's super scorching hot and sunny and dry, but this summer has been really cold and wet. Like Vancouver. Which is really weird. So I haven't spent much time outside. Which is a shame, cuz it's really awkward when your legs are a different colour than your face and arms. Even worse is, I've been wearing flip flops since May, so my feet are tanned, but I've been wearing jeans and leggings lots, so my legs are still pasty pale.

Anyways, one of my besties is now in Germany for all of August, having fun in Europe without me. She saw Les Mis while she was in London, and I nearly died of jealousy. My other bestie is MIA, cuz I asked her to hang out and she never replied. So I feel rather incomplete without my best friends. Fortunately, I went to Capital Ex and Taste of Edmonton with other friends, so my dad can't say I have no social life.

Cap Ex was pretty good. Most days got rained out, but we got awesome sunny weather when we went. I think I'm kind of an adrenaline junkie cuz my fave rides were the really crazy ones. The Zipper and Fireball were the best. Megadrop is also always worth the long wait. And of course, pigged out on carnival food. Summer is the only time of year you can get greasy, deep fried junk food, so I had to take advantage of it. Deep fried Oreos and Mini Donuts are da bessst.

Taste of Edmonton was interesting. I've never been before, so I decided to check it out with Brendan. I tried Stuffed Mushrooms, a Mango Lassi, and Crepe Glace du chocolat (ice cream rolled in a crepe with almonds and chocolate sauce and whipped cream from The Creperie). I may try eating at The Creperie now. Can't go wrong with crepes.

Anyways, it's Heritage Day long weekend, so me and the fam fam will probably check out Heritage Festival. this week, I should be taking Chels out to Whyte Ave to check out all the cute, quirky boutiques there. She decided not to go to OSA, so she won't have the experience of spending three years of spares on Whyte. I'll probably take her to Block 1912 for gelato/sorbet and maybe Taiwan Bubble Zone for some good ol' bbt.

It's been alright. I still feel like I'm wasting my time. I keep thinking that there's some volunteer position or some opportunity to pad my resume. Just something useful and good for me. Which brings me to last night. For some reason, I just couldn't sleep, and I just couldn't stop thinking about all the things I was dissatisfied with in life. From my body to my health to my grades to my personality, I just kept attacking myself, and I cried till about 3 in the morning.

Finally I calmed down enough, I pulled out my Bible and I read the passages about the ideal woman in Proverbs and 1 Peter. And even though it didn't make me feel any more beautiful or any smarter, I felt reconciled. And I felt like I had to let go of the the pursuit of the North American standard of beauty and success, or eventually it'll kill me. I thought about all the high school girls I see on the bus, wearing more make-up than I do, dressing in more expensive clothes than I do, seeming to only care about boyfriends, popularity and enjoying life. And I realized that I don't want to be like that. You can't take things from this world with you when you die. Maybe I'll never be slim and gorgeous, but if I can't even take care of what's inside me, what's the point?

Proverbs 31 talks about "the wife of noble character" and how she's worth more than jewels. I kept re-reading a few of the verses: v. 25-26 and 30.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

I also read 1 Peter 3:3-4, which I studied back in junior high for Bible Quizzing. It remains one of my favorite passages:
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

If the world is too blinded by materialism, consumerism, and superficiality to see the inner beauty of a person, then it is the world that is messed up, not the person.

So I've decided that if boys and people in general do not consider me physically attractive, then so be it. But I really want to be clothed in strength and dignity, to have that self-assurance without applying layer of layer of make-up. If I don't have a hot bod, that's fine, as long as I am healthy and strong enough to do my job well, and to be a good student. And if I'm not extroverted and ditzy like all the popular girls or celebrities in social media, well that's just not me. I am an introvert by nature, and I'm gonna do me. I strive towards developing a gentle and quiet spirit, and not a gossiping, obnoxious, attention-seeking character.

I want to be like Audrey Hepburn, not Miley Cyrus; like Queen Esther, not Lady GaGa; like Amelia Earhart, not Kim Kardashian; like Grace Kelly, not Snooki from Jersey Shore.

My role models are the old stars and amazing women in history, because they had this sense of class and balance. They knew when to behave, they knew when to be silly. They weren't perfect, but they did their best to conduct themselves appropriately according to their situation. And most of all, they each had their own individuality that made them so special, and they were really good at what they did.